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Chaos theme includes Averna, enabling land ramp with Cascade mechanic, using Chromatic Lantern for mana fixing

There is no universe where the Magic media can criticize its own workers since that would not be good for ratings, selling products or viewership

All of this begs the question: is it even possible for a Modern-legal card to fit these criteria

Haunted One Haunted One is great for typal decks to bulk creatures up and give them undying as long as they share a creature type

Once either the player or opponent's health drops to zero, the match is over

Then as long as you have 30 or more life, the dork gets indestructible to remove much removal interaction, only exiling mass removal or targeted non-destruction removal can get past this, and then it's +5/+5 size and then all damage to it is prevented